I have been feeling a lot better recently, and this has meant I haven’t felt the need to post: but I’ve not posted for a while know so here goes.
I haven’t actually felt depressed since the last time I made a post, and this sounds brilliant, but instead I’ve been incredibly angry. I know this is just hormones but I know I’m being irrational and I physically can’t stop myself. There’s been a lot of arguments with A and we almost broke up once and it’s all been my fault. This isn’t me looking for people to say that it wasn’t, this is me being honest and saying that my boyfriend has been the victim of my bad personality. I really don’t know how he puts up with me but somehow we get through and I don’t know what I would do if we didn’t.
A used to follow this blog, but not anymore. He says he wants me to be able to post anything on here and not be worried about him seeing it and at the time I wasn’t bothered but now I’m glad he did. When we almost broke up I thought we were over, and I know that this may seem like an overreaction to most of you, but I knew that if we broke up I would kill myself. He’s my rock, the only person who supports me through anything. He’s the one who is happy for me when I get university offers when everyone else doesn’t care, he’s the one who spends his free time helping me revise for my exams, he’s the one I can tell anything to. But I couldn’t tell him this. I would feel so guilty if he stayed with me just because he doesn’t want me to kill myself. I’ve had a lot of friends in the position with their boyfriends and I’ve never liked that they did that. So I refused to mention it.
I know that was long winded and most people won’t care, but for me that was the most defining moment of this month, well this year, so far. Because he stayed. I know that without him my depression would spiral, and I honestly don’t know how I would cope: but he can never know this. Which is why I tell the Internet instead. You don’t know me and I don’t know you. You are completely disinhibited and can just be truthful with me and that’s what I need.
So yeah, a long winded slightly boring post but I felt bad for not posting for so long. I hope I didn’t bore you too much!
That’s it till next time 🙂
Gracethedisgrace, signing off
gracethedisgrace 