Coping Well

I have been feeling a lot better recently, and this has meant I haven’t felt the need to post: but I’ve not posted for a while know so here goes.

I haven’t actually felt depressed since the last time I made a post, and this sounds brilliant, but instead I’ve been incredibly angry. I know this is just hormones but I know I’m being irrational and I physically can’t stop myself. There’s been a lot of arguments with A and we almost broke up once and it’s all been my fault. This isn’t me looking for people to say that it wasn’t, this is me being honest and saying that my boyfriend has been the victim of my bad personality. I really don’t know how he puts up with me but somehow we get through and I don’t know what I would do if we didn’t.

A used to follow this blog, but not anymore. He says he wants me to be able to post anything on here and not be worried about him seeing it and at the time I wasn’t bothered but now I’m glad he did. When we almost broke up I thought we were over, and I know that this may seem like an overreaction to most of you, but I knew that if we broke up I would kill myself. He’s my rock, the only person who supports me through anything. He’s the one who is happy for me when I get university offers when everyone else doesn’t care, he’s the one who spends his free time helping me revise for my exams, he’s the one I can tell anything to. But I couldn’t tell him this. I would feel so guilty if he stayed with me just because he doesn’t want me to kill myself. I’ve had a lot of friends in the position with their boyfriends and I’ve never liked that they did that. So I refused to mention it.

I know that was long winded and most people won’t care, but for me that was the most defining moment of this month, well this year, so far. Because he stayed. I know that without him my depression would spiral, and I honestly don’t know how I would cope: but he can never know this. Which is why I tell the Internet instead. You don’t know me and I don’t know you. You are completely disinhibited and can just be truthful with me and that’s what I need.

So yeah, a long winded slightly boring post but I felt bad for not posting for so long. I hope I didn’t bore you too much!

That’s it till next time 🙂

Gracethedisgrace, signing off

The Begining

Well here we go, my first blog. I’m oddly nervous about something where I’m completely anonymous. Maybe that’s because I’m about to tell people what I’ve never told anyone before.

This blog will be about my depression, and just to start out I haven’t been medically diagnosed and I’m not on any medication, but I feel like I need to give it a name – the feeling that makes me want to kill myself – I have to name it and shame it. Depression seems to fit best of all.

I’ve started this blog after years of suffering in silence, trying to get by every day. But around 4 months ago, I broke down and told my boyfriend everything. (For the sake of privacy I’ll call him ‘A’, and Grace isn’t my real name 🙂 )

For a few months after I told him we just dealt with it together, but eventually, after my form tutor noticed something was wrong, A persuaded me to tell him. It was a huge step for me because I didn’t feel like people would accept me if they knew, and it gave me the strength to tell my best friend too.

For a little while this worked out great, I had a support net and I felt a lot better. But then my form tutor asked me “So are you better now?” and me, not wanting to seem weak, said yes. But I lied, I’m not feeling better, and I can’t keep using my boyfriend as a therapist. We’re only young, me being 18 and him being 17, and he can’t deal with it. The panic he gets when I don’t reply to texts after I’ve said that somethings wrong, he’s cried a few times and he’s even had to tell his parents because he didn’t know how to cope.

I know a lot of you (if anyone is reading this) will wonder where my parents are in all of this. Well, they’re in the background, not knowing that anything is wrong. I’ve never had a close relationship with my parents, I just feel that if I told them they would laugh at me like they normally do, and I don’t want to bother them with my problems.

I started writing this today after my feelings almost ended my relationship. I was so close to breaking up with him, because I feel so guilty every day. But he wants me to go and speak to someone, a doctor or therapist, but I thought I could try this and see if the internet could help me. I hope that whoever is reading this isn’t going through what I’m going through, but if you are or if your situation is worse, I hope this little blog can help just a little bit and show you that you’re never alone.

So that’s my first blog post, can’t wait to hear your reactions.

Gracethedisgrace, signing off