Just as I thought that maybe it had finally left me a line for a while and it comes back. I just keep imagining the peace that would come with death. But I’m not brave enough to take the leap. I wish I was, with all my heart, but I’m not. I don’t know how to be.
How can you step in front of a vehicle and not think about how the driver will feel? How can you hang yourself without thinking about how your mother will feel when she sees your corpse hanging from the ceiling?
I want to end my life because I feel like I’m a waste of space and people would be happier with me gone, and this includes my parents, my boyfriend, my best friend and everyone else. Yet the only ways I can think of to end my life will hurt others. Even in the most trivial way. My parents would have to clean up the mess and clean out my room, go to my funeral and waste money on me. A train, car, bus, van or lorry driver will always wonder if the girl they hit wanted a life. If she wanted to be happy and live. I don’t. I want to die, I want that nothingness but I’m too weak to reach for it.
Part of me, the instinctive part, the primal part, won’t let me go. It won’t let me die. It’s too afraid, but I know one day it won’t be and I can leave this Earth and just be nothing.
It’s all I want but I’m too scared to grab it.
Gracethedisgrace, signing off
gracethedisgrace 