An Update

I know I haven’t blogged for a long time, I’ve had my exams and have had no time to do anything but revise! I am hoping that this might be my last update on this blog, if I’m lucky. I feel a lot better within myself now, I know I’m not amazingly beautiful and that I’m not as thin as I’d like to be. But I have an amazing boyfriend who loves me more than I could ever deserve and the chance to start a new life if I pass my exams and move away to university. 

I just want to say, to anyone who might be reading this who suffers with depression, I know that you’ll have heard it all before. I know it’s cliché. But it does get better. Find something that you want to achieve in life and reach for it. I wanted to move out of my home were I feel like I have never belonged. I worked hard and I may possibly get to do that. Even if your goal is just to reach tomorrow without self harming and staying alive, then make that your daily goal. As long as you have something to achieve you have something to live for. 

I honestly hope I never have to post on this blog again. And I know that sounds bad but this is my place where I release all my negative feelings and everything to do with my depression. And I never want to be in that place again. But if I am I know that I always are a place to come to. 

Thank you to everyone who’s supported me through this. You mean more to me than you could ever know. 

That’s it till next time 🙂

Gracethedisgrace, signing off

Carrying On

Well I still feel the same way as yesterday. There was a comment yesterday by “Jane Doe” which was amazing and so helpful, but nothing will get me out of this place except time.

I’m actually really upset with how it’s affected me this time. Ever since I’ve being going out with A I’ve felt a lot better about myself and my looks, but this has all crumbled these past few days. I used to think I looked reasonable and that, on a good day, I could pass for pretty. But now I see myself the same way I did six months ago: ugly, fat and useless. For all I know that’s the realistic view of myself and A was giving me false hopes that I was something more, but I can’t believe him anymore and I don’t think that confidence will come back quickly.

I know “Jane” said yesterday that death won’t be the easier route, but right now it seems like it would be. I’m in the middle of my A levels (final exams before uni for 17-18 year olds in England and Wales, they’re called Highers in Scotland) and the stress is too much. My parents have told me they think I’m going to fail and it’s got to the point that where I just want to give up.

I know I’m supposed to be positive. I know I’m supposed to think that I can do it. But I don’t want to. And I don’t know how to fix that…..

Gracethedisgrace, signing off

Let It Out

One of the best things you can do when you feel like there’s no hope is to tell someone, something. It sounds like the worst idea in the world, letting someone else into something so private, but it’s so worth it.

I’ve found that writing the couple of blog posts I’ve posted has helped so quickly, I know that someone is reading what I say, I know that I’ve told someone, but I’m not being laughed at or teased or told to go kill myself. And that’s helped my confidence.

It also helped that I told those close to me, my boyfriend, my best friend, and after a lot of persuasion from my boyfriend, my form teacher. Knowing they’re there for me if I need them is amazing, I know that if I fall I have a net to catch me and that net will never break.

I know that sounds silly. What if you get in a fight with your friend? What if you and your boyfriend break up? What happens when you leave school? But these questions don’t bother me. I’ve got in plenty of fights with my best friend, but we know each other so well by now that we cannot not be friends. It sounds so childish: we’ll be friends forever! But I know that we will always be close, and even if I don’t see her for the next decade, she will help me if I need it and I will help her. If me and A break up, I know it will be hard, but I can get through it. We’ve both talked about what would happen if I needed him after we broke up, and I know that I can still go to him for help no matter what happens between us. As for when I leave school, there will be other people who can help me, and if I get in contact with my teacher he will make every effort to help me whether I’m his student or not.

This is what you need to do if you have depression or want help. Tell someone, people close to you. Don’t ask questions about what will happen if you stop getting along or being around each other, just go with it and if you trust them then they will help you.

The worst thing you can do is bottle it up. I hope you can find the courage to release what you’ve kept inside for so long.

Gracethedisgrace, signing off

Checkmate

An amazing short story by Epiphany in the Cacophony. A must read!

Gracethedisgrace, signing off

Epiphany in the Cacophony

I remember the time my father taught me chess. On a Sunday afternoon, I sat cross legged at the center table in the drawing room, silently watching him put the pieces in place. “This is the queen, and this is the king”, he said, holding up the pieces. My eyes widened. I reached for them, running my fingers gently along the piece, examining it closely as he set up the board.

He went on to explain the rules to me. “The aim is to protect the king at all costs” he said, showing me how the different pieces moved across the chessboard. It was the most beautiful game I’d seen. I stopped listening. All I saw was a story. A story of two kingdoms, equal in strength, competing for supremacy.

I saw a battle begin before my eyes. The pieces charged towards each other, falling by the dozen as…

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